End Results

The other night, I was having my normal evening conversation with my mom when we began talking about my sweet Kiley and how much fun it was to have her go on my field trip with me, as my helper. We started with discussing choices we make in our lives that give us a different end result than what we ever expected our lives to have. I can only share this experience and it's end result with you by starting at the beginning.

When I was sixteen years old, I got pregnant with my first child. It wasn't what I had in mind...my first time and here I was pregnant. Well, after a few months of contemplation, I

decided that giving my little sweetheart up for adoption was the best choice for my child (and me). So, I spent many months trying to find the perfect family for my baby, I wanted her to have the best. Finally, when I was 8

months pregnant, I found them! They were perfect and we met the following week. We had dinner and discussed how the adoption would work and what our hopes were for this baby. I was sad and happy all at the same time, ready to have a good family for my baby but sad to have to choose "parents" for my child.

On August 6th, 1999 at about 3:00am, I went into labor. I was immediately terrified and not quit ready to begin this chapter of my life...so we waited at home. I labored at home until I couldn't wait anymore. It was around 7:30am when we finally made it to the hospital, the stress and nerves were unbelievable. I labored for 11 hours before my baby girl was born. I remember looking at her and not being able to believe that she was mine and that I just brought this child into the world. She was beautiful! She was a 6 pound 6 ounce, 18 3/4 inch baby girl. She was so healthy and alert and I was so torn on what

to do next. I didn't know if I should hold her or even look at her. It was so hard as to what I was going to do, was I going to attach myself or try to distance myself? Little did I realize, I was already attached and already loved this little being.

The adoptive parents came in shortly after she was born to see "their" baby girl. It was so hard to watch them hold the child that should be mine. Was I making the right choice to give her a home with them? Or could I do it myself? I decided to hold her and look at her, because this would be my only chance to do it and I didn't want regrets. That evening, after every one had left the hospital, I decided to look at her and take everything about her in. I realized this was going to be so much harder than I had ever

imagined. She spent the next several hours in the nursery with the nurses while I finished the last entry into the journal I had kept for her, then I tried to get some sleep and get my composure before the next morning, when I had to send her to foster care for the next 48 hours before final signing. At about 4:00am, a nurse from the nursery brought her into me and said they had an emergency in the nursery and that all mother's needed to take their babies. I will still to this day believe their was divine intervention in that. Within the next 7-8 hours I couldn't get enough of her...I was hooked and could no longer imagine my life without this baby.

The time came for my discharge and her release to foster care. I tried to get it together but how do you handle releasing your first born (any) child to a complete stranger knowing that in 2 days you will sign the final papers to release your child FOREVER? I signed them and as I was walking out of the hospital, I looked into the nursery to say good-bye to a baby I thought I would never see again. She was crying and I asked to hold her. When I was holding "my" daughter and telling her how much I loved her, she stopped crying and looked up at me, it was then that I knew this would be the worst mistake of my life. That night I was broken and part of me was missing. I spent the night crying and thinking about this choice and it's permanent effects on my life. The next morning my parents and I talked and I CHANGED my mind. I went

and got my baby girl.

For the next three hours, we were at the foster care bringing our baby home and then at the store purchasing all the items that parents spend months getting to be ready to bring their baby home. I thought off and on about whether or not I had made the right decision for myself and my baby. It wasn't until that night when I got up with her and looked at her that I realized I had. She was mine and I loved her and no one would change my mind on that. I was so close to making the worst decision of my life.

For the next year, I had a lot of adjusting to do and a lot of growing up to do (Fast). I lived with my parents and they took care of "Kiley" during the day while I was at school and the evenings while I worked. It was hard to become responsible for someone and still find the time to be with them. I made it work, thanks to my parents and school counselors.

ended up graduating one year early and started my college classes the following fall. It was a lot of work and very life changing but I had my daughter. When I was 18 and Kiley was about 18 months old, I moved out into my own home. I moved in with someone that didn't treat me very well and within 6 months kicked them out. I was then faced with real reality...how was I going to pay my bills, continue on with school, keep my job, and provide for my child?

I began by cooking every night, changing my class schedule, and cutting out any extra expenses. I spent every evening with my daughter that I could and we read a lot of books! I made it work and we survived. There were many nights when the heater went out and I had to get up in 50 degree weather and figure out the pilot light or climb on top of my house and brush off the snow to get it working, all the while my baby

was piled under cover so she wouldn't know how cold it was. I cut corners at the grocery store so we would have affordable food. It was a struggle that I still don't know how I overcame, but every moment of it made me who I am today.

We eventually met Toby and he loved us both. He took care of us and eventually married US. We finally had our complete family and years later we added our boys. It is a wonderful life that I am very proud of. I have gone on to receive my Bachelor's in education and will continue on with my Masters in Education in the Spring of 2010. I want my daughter to know that she changed my life, and in the best way it can be changed. She was my inspiration and motivation behind the moves I have made in my life and so much of the success that followed. I know that my life would not have been the same without her and I am right, she is an amazing little girl. She inspires our family daily and gives me a reason to smile. I love her more than she will ever know and I wouldn't change a thing, not even the hard stuff. It made me who I am today.

To my Kiley~ thank you for an amazing life and a wonderful END RESULT! I love you and am so glad that I have you and you are a part of my life! Love you baby girl.